Bipolar Crushing my Existence


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Alone. Again. Sigh. I am so needy and desperate. I have people in my life yes, but I am out of control with the loneliness. I cannot get it satisfied, no matter what I do. These mood swings are undeniable. I feel like I am on a mountain of pain. I feel so utterly alone. I hate being alone. I don’t even want to go into a chat or forum. I don’t want to play a game. I need a job, I want a job. I need to do something with my days.

Alone. It is overwhelming. I don’t want to talk to anyone. No one can help me. I wish I can be alone by myself and be happy. I wish I could find joy in things to occupy my time. This is so stifling. I want to work so badly. I want to find a reason to get up out of bed in the morning. The disability review is coming. They won’t get off their fuckin’ ass and give me an answer already. I just want a part-time job while I wait for the right civil service test to open up. In the meantime, I am alone.

I am so alone, I can’t say it enough. This bipolar bullshit. I hate it. I hate absolutely everything about it. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Just die and be nothing to no one. I am at the brink of utter insanity. I am sinking deep back into depression. I hate being alone. I wish I had a purpose. I wish I had a goal in life. This can’t be living. I am better off dead. Why is this happening to me? Why is everyone leaving me? Just leave me alone. You don’t want to be bothered. It’s fine. I am a burden to you all. I am sick of it.  I just want to be seen, I want to be heard. I am tired of being trapped in nothingness. I hate everyone and everything. I am sinking. Sinking to the bottom of the pit of Hell.

I can’t even pray. Can’t even pray for comfort in God, who I found great comfort in at one point. I have no faith, I have no soul. I am at the bottomless mercy in the depths of annihilation. Why won’t I die? Why doesn’t God just take my life? Why do I have to keep going on and on with this pointlessness? I am sick to my stomach. I can’t bear it any longer. I am going to take my own life. It’s the only way. I want it to end. Why won’t it end? You call this a gift? Life is a gift? Is it really? When you are in utter pain and no one hears you, and no one helps you, and no one gives a shit.

No point. No reason to live.

Let’s Talk About a Better Time


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casette tapes

So, as you all know, there was a science behind South Park’s “memberberries.” I am sure you have seen it, but basically you eat one and it brings your back to a time in your childhood where everything was great. You start reminiscing about the good ole’ days with Star Wars, etc, but for me it was Star Trek the Next Generation, (Riker’s beard! Yum!).

And what about this? ‘Member this?

he man gif

What about this?


And of course who could forget this:

batman gif

But it begs the question why do we want to go back to a simpler time? Has the responsibilities of the real world hurt us so much? There was talk that the “millennials” have a hard time adapting to the real world because you know when my generation was younger we didn’t get a trophy for “just participating.”: The only way you got a trophy was if you actually won something.

But that is not what I want to talk about. I want to talk to about what it was like to play outside with your friends. What it was like to go to a Drive-In and make out. A time where if you got a call from a guy, it was on your answering machine with its one cassette tape. A time that if you made plans with your friends, you would call them up on a landline and agree to meet at a place and ALL of you would show up. None of this bullshit where you hang around and wait for something better to along so you can text someone “sorry I can’t make it” and just break plans at the drop of a hat. I am sorry but this generation sucks. Yeah sure we evolved with our technology but it really hurts us. Do we really need to snap a picture of our meal and post it on Facebook. I mean WTF. Really? (And the only reason I used that acronym was so I don’t drop too many F-bombs). As a matter of fact the way things are now is just one giant F-Bomb.

I can think of so many things that I did that kids are getting robbed of today. Going out and hanging with your friends to laugh and talk, not sit around in a booth at Friday’s and all of you text without talking to each other. I mean why in the hell are you texting someone if you are sitting right across from them? TALK TO THEM! Fuck man. I am so frustrated. People have lost sight of all social skills in this society. Now everyone is just being coddled and everyone is afraid to speak their mind because everything is “politically correct.”  I get that everyone wants equality, I am all for it, but some of the crap out there really gets on my nerves.

But I will digress from that because I don’t want to get negative with this post. This is about a time when things were more “rewarding” and more “fun” in general. Arcades, bookstores, even BlockBuster. Why must you sit and binge a series, why not just stay in suspense and just fucking WAIT for the show. Just WAIT. No one wants to wait anymore. There is ZERO patience out there. People text bomb, call constantly and bang their cable boxes if there is not “instant” fix for a problem. God forbid the internet is out and you have to go outside, OH NO!!! No wi-fi? Time to cry in a corner. God, it’s beyond stupid. Can you honestly live without your phone? Can you go without internet? And I am not absolving myself of these things either. As I am looking at my life thinking about how I was 20 years ago, I was totally happier. I had more fresh air in my lungs. I walked for miles all over Manhattan getting to know people, places and things. I was never home. I barely used my cell phone, as a matter of fact I had a flip phone. I didn’t really get on the internet until I was at least 27. Crazy ain’t it?

So I say go outside. Enjoy life. There are better things on the horizon. I wonder what would happen if we all were robbed of all our technology? Would we all be completely helpless? I would like to give the human species more credit than that. I think we would adapt. I think we would make it. Mesopotamians, Incas, Aztecs, Altantians, and Romans all fell. We will fall too, it will just be a matter of time. Will you be ready?

Stay tuned.

An Old Flame, New Beginnings…


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Internet dating, Valentines day concept.

He named himself “Disturbed” when he messaged “Articulate Lady” in the Adult Chat room. Endless posts of pedophilia and genitalia cams all on display, as the room zooms by, in its filth and den of sin. He messages her. She asks “so what brings you here tonight?” He replies “I am actually not here for anything really, I am just looking for someone. A special woman, the love of my life, although she may not speak to me, I want to know she is okay.” How sweet, “Articulate Lady” thinks to herself.  If only someone cared for me that much, loved me so much that they would come and look for me here, in this room of debauchery, against all possible odds where there are literally thousands of people.

“If only someone loved me so much”, she thought, as “Disturbed” continued to talk about his lost love. How jealous she was that a man could love a woman this much online. “I wish it were me,” she thought. Then he says it, “What is your real name? You may be the one I have been searching for.” Her heart stops. It was him. The Irish Gentleman. The man who has been plaguing her thoughts, dreams, and prayers the last few weeks since they parted. The man she thought was so unstable, she had to change her phone number. Should she tell him who she was? Should she just close the window and disappear into nothingness?

After my last post, I realized how alone I was. How utterly and unbelievably alone I was in this world. I let my sea of despair drown me in booze where my new-found sobriety had been lost yet again; all over guilt and this overwhelming feeling of nothingness. “Take a chance, just take a chance,’ my inner voice screams out to me as I realize it is now or never. I tell the Irish Gentleman who I am and 6 1/2 hours later I realize this man was brought back into my life for a reason. He is meant to be in my life. He is meant to love me, and all this running around I have been doing has been a waste of time.

I know back and forth with the bullshit right? For weeks I have been screaming on my blog for him to leave me alone, gone on with trysts with other suitors and basically gone on with my life. But he found me. In my despair. “I read your blog,” he says. “I just wanted to know if you were okay, I was worried about you, you seemed to be in such pain.” Wow. He hunted me down just to tell me this. Turns out he didn’t want to tell his real feelings to “Articulate Lady” because he didn’t really know that was me. He happened to just answer my call for “interesting and intelligent men” in the Adult Chat (so stupid right?), in which his first message to me was “Good luck finding that in here,” not knowing who I really was. Come to find out, I was EXACTLY who he was looking for.

So what now you ask? Well it’s a new beginning. I am not jumping in head first like I did that last time. He is on meds and taking good care of himself. He absolved me of the guilt and calmed my fears. My faith brought me to him, as I prayed that he would find strength and stay alive. Not only did he make it but he is doing very well for himself. I may not know what is going to happen, but I know I will never be alone again. I have a man in my life who loves me, that can’t live without me, and would have stayed single the rest of his life knowing that he let the one great love in his life go. I am not stupid. I know how this goes. He yelled at me once and I left, without so much as a word. That ended up giving him the push he needed and he got help. Now he is working on himself, just like I am.

Can two crazy psychotics make it in this fucked up world? We shall see.

Stay tuned.

Alone with My Faith and my Bipolar


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im not okay

Alone. How desperately we try to reach out. I have never felt more alone in my life. As I sit here and type I realize I have no friends and no one in my life. I chose it this way I suppose, because there have been people who have tried to reach out to me. Last night I was supposed to go out with my friend, and she straight up ditched me. I mean like WTF? No call, ignored my calls, and sent a text later that night saying “sorry I was feeling shitty tonight.” I am so sick of this shit in my life.

I want to connect so badly. I want to feel God pulsating through me. I want to feel manic so I don’t feel so alone. At least with the thoughts in my head at least I can have some company. I have never felt more alone. I thought about the Irish Gentleman last night. I had just finished watching “The Book of Eli,” (great film if you haven’t seen it with Denzel Washington), and it had me thinking about faith. I read a short story called “The Egg” by Andy Weir that basically stated how we are all connected and we are all one. I hurt the Irish Gentleman deeply and I might as well have hurt myself. I feel unbelievable guilt over that situation and I know I shouldn’t have left things the way they were. I hope he gets the help he needs, I truly do. I cut out the Southern Gentleman too because I just can’t be bothered. I got sexual with him too soon, and it seems that’s all where his head is at. I don’t want to “put on a show” for anyone anymore.

I just wish there was someone out there for me. I went back on OKCupid, talked to one guy and ended up blocking him. I don’t know, I don’t think I am cut out for online dating either. Fuck, how I hate this bipolar shit. I wish I never had it. I wish I had a career I loved and a man who loved me in my life. I am tired of being this way, feeling and living in utter shit. All I have is my faith I suppose. But even that is waning. I kneeled down to pray last night and immediately felt like throwing up. Maybe its all the sins that I am paying for regurgitating back up through me, trying to teach me a lesson. Follow the signs. I wish God would show me the way. I wish He would speak to me again. I wish I could hear Him in my head. I am so lost and alone.

I have never felt more alone in my life. I wish there was a man out there I could talk to and get to know. I wish I could have an articulate intellectual conversation that would make me feel satisfied and sustained. All I get are perverts are men who are “bored.” God do something with your life would you? Bring something to the table of conversation other than you’re “bored,” as if it is my fuckin’ job to entertain you. I am sick and tired of this bullshit generation of automatons and droids running around in their Facebook/Twitter/Tinder universe. God, I just want to die. Just die and leave it all behind.

When will it ever get better?

Stay tuned.

It’s a Question of When to Feel Sexy…


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So I just had an interesting hot chat with Azure this afternoon. No masturbating was involved, just a lot of heavy flirting and heated up moments about some of the videos I sent him. They were old, probably about ten years ago when I was doing a bit of experimenting with my cam. They were long-buried, but for some reason I felt the need to share those sexy videos with him, and he has masturbated to them plenty over the past few days.

Sexuality, especially mine is a tough thing. There is a good time and a bad time for it. As I was mulling over my looming, upcoming evaluation yesterday, the Southern Gentleman informed me he was going to have some “fun” before bed. Totally wrong time, and totally not interested. I am beginning to wonder if all he wants is sex, and I am thinking I may have to disappear and back off again. I am considering it, since my sex drive is not focused on him at the moment.He also keeps baiting me with action messages, (*kisses you softly* or *holds you close*) when addressing me, which I am uncomfortable with. I don’t know, I am getting a bit turned off, so we will see.

There has been another gentleman hanging around in the background the pass few weeks. We will call him Valiant. Now, I met Valiant several months ago on a chat site, and we exchanged Skype information but never really stayed in contact. Apparently, he was going through a lot of deaths in the family and wasn’t really interested in anything around that time. Of course I took it as typical “male online behavior” and just deleted him without thinking about it, because ya know why talk to someone who doesn’t really want to talk to you right? Apparently, Valiant has had terrible luck with women online. According to him, I am probably the nicest one he ever met that wanted to get to know him. The rest kind of just use him for his writing ability to get their rocks off with roleplaying, which honestly I am thinking of attempting with the Literary, but that’s a subject for another time. Anyway, this revelation happened just as I was getting sleepy (the mania in the bipolar has finally taken a backseat at night), and I felt my heart warm inside. It’s so nice to meet someone who appreciates you for you, and not what you can give them. (Imagine my distaste at the Southern Gentleman’s come ons after having my heart warmed).

There is a good time and a bad time for things folks. When someone is upset over something, don’t talk about your dick in any form or fashion, or even refer to it There is an appropriate time to feel sexy and when the timing is off, it can make someone really uncomfortable.  I don’t know if I will go back and see the Southern Gentleman now, and I feel guilty because we had just made so much progress. But if it’s not there, it’s not there, and I think it’s best if I just step back for a while.

Anyway, I am glad I found out these things about Valiant, and how much he appreciates me. I had made some audio recordings for him of me masturbating and moaning, because I know how much he enjoys kinky dirty talk. I was in a giving mood for a few nights, so I had fun with it. Sometimes, it’s nice to know that your voice really turns people on rather than the showing off of body parts. Almost like when you overhear a couple having sex and how hot it is. But yeah, knowing your value can actually put all the sex stuff on the back burner.

I have to admit, my need to visit the chats to find someone has diminished as of late, as I am coming into my own and learning to appreciate the people I have at the moment. I will admit, my new writing adventure with the Literary may start soon and I am excited, although our time differences are proving to be big obstacle. But, I am hanging on to hope that we will figure something out soon.

I haven’t masturbated in a few days, and I think it’s due to all the stress of this upcoming evaluation. I am also a bit jaded on the job front, as the jobs that I applied to didn’t respond at all. I really don’t know what I am going to do. One definitely doesn’t feel sexy when real life gets in the way, but thanks to Azure, this afternoon has been looking up. Hopefully I will enjoy some time with Valiant tonight, or even the young soldier I met by accident in a General Chat where I wasn’t even looking for anything. The skies the limit when it comes the amount of men women can have at their fingertips when looking for some action. If men only knew that if they thought with the head on their shoulders rather than sticking their cock on a cam; they can get so much farther with a lady. But you know, sometimes all someone needs is a good cum and nothing else. I suppose for those cases gents, you’re better off finding a cam girl. Yeah I know, you don’t wanna pay, but if you don’t put in the effort you’re still not going to get what you want. It’s all about timing I suppose. Women get horny too, just gotta find them at the right time I guess.

And the beat goes on, (as well the flick of my clit),

Stay tuned.

The Unexpected Future


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unknown furutre

When we walk into the unknown, what comes out on the other end?  I am walking into the unknown as we speak because my disability review hangs in the balance. They want a ourside doctor to look me over, and I gotta say, I am freaking out. I finally managed to get some sleep and kind of put myself in a normal sleep pattern for the first time in ages.  Also I got some kick ass bed sheets from Wal-Mart that look fantastic on my bed.


Pretty nice right? I think it looks awesome. Purple is my all time favorite color, although it looks quite pink from the picture. But anyway, things have been looking up, because even as this disability review looms overhead, I have been thinking about working full-time but as a civil service worker. You know, get a nice cushy job with great benefits that you can’t really be discriminated for if you have a disability. Just when things start looking up, I am hit with a cannonball. Shit just doesn’t go right in my life it seems. Just when I start getting my head together I get this bombshell dropped on me of a ourside opinion for this review. I never felt more uneasy. Being in a mountian of debt because I can’t control my spending will break me if they take it away. But you know, if I am dead what can the creditors do?

I haven’t contemplated suicide in quite some time, but stress like this really puts me over the edge. How could I ever get to a job on time if I am up all night like a maniac? How can I ever be able to function in society when I am a wreck most of the time? So many questions. My mania and depression are so up and down these days. I broke my sobriety streak and I am feeling guilty about it. But you know what today is *Day Two* for a whole new stab at sobriety. Hopefully I will make this one stick. I even marked it on the calendar. I am determined not to let this review and all this other shit shake me to the point where I go off and drown in a bottle again. I remember being there and all it does it make things go from bad to worse at lightening speed.

In other news, I managed to rid myself of the Irish Gentleman, and i think I am thankful for it. He needs help and I hope he gets it. He was way too volatile for me and was basically emotionally blackmailing me with all his sad messages. I really took a stab in the heart over that. On a good note, I reconnected with the Southern Gentleman and things seem to be well on that front. He has matured a lot over the past 5 months since our breakup and seems to have really improved upon himself. I think having him in my life will do me a lot of good. I need a bit of stability in my online life. Azure and I got hot and heavy yesterday morning when I was trying to get myself some sleep. And the Literary beeped in as I was trying to get rest as well. I need to cut these guys out. I need to sleep at night, and the UK and New Zealand don’t really coincide well with my new rehabilitated sleeping schedule. But I won’t discount them yet because in my life things can go either way.

Every day is a mystery, a new adventure. If I lose my disability I can always repeal it. I am not ready yet to try to get a full-time job, I barely got my sleeping schedule fixed. I am on day two for fuck’s sake. Give me a break! I just hope my new founded ambition to get my life in order doesn’t equal “oh you’re healthy, you can work, so we’re just going to throw you back out there.” That will suck for sure. I really hope it doesn’t come to that.

Anyway, cheers to a new life goal and finally making some headway in the right direction. That is if this bipolar doesn’t kill me first. We’ll see what happens.

Stay tuned.

On the Brink


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I am drowning. In terrible despair. I think it’s because I have had so much to deal with the past few days. Overwhelming guilt washing over me, as I feel responsible for someone else’s downfall. I am no saint, but I don’t think I should have this unnecessary burden on my shoulders. Like someone telling me they are going to kill themselves. Like wtf?? Seriously? I have to deal with that on top of being this bipolar mess that I am?

There are certain crosses in life you have to bear. Certain things you have to live with. I will not be responsible for another’s actions or be guilted into feeling bad over it. I have had enough. I just can’t deal with it anymore. In life we are given a gift. Through all the pain and suffering, there is some light in the world. It is not my fault if some can’t see that. I was doing okay when we broke up. I was off living my life, till the fucking phone calls and messages started. I feel horrible. And I think that’s what he wants. How messed up is that? I have been trying to close the book on this terrible thing and it just won’t goddamn close. I just want to move on, live my life. Why can’t people just do it? I have had people cut me out of their lives before, I even had a guy I was desperately in love with two years ago. When he blocked me, did I call his number with a sob story? No, because I know he didn’t want to hear from me. Sometimes people just want to be left alone. So just do it. Get on with your life. I feel like a cold-hearted bitch right now, but I can’t help it because I feel horrible. He screamed at me. I don’t take that bullshit from no one, so why the drama? Just move the fuck on already.

I am venting, I know. But I don’t know what else to do. The bipolar is in high gear right now as I try to process this whole thing. I want a drink so freakin’ much right now. I am frustrated. Frustrated with life in general at the moment. I have had so much to deal with, with my disability on review, looking for a job and having the most horrid sleep patterns ever. I am exhausted. This feels like too much. I am on the brink of utter madness, I can feel it coming. I have no emotions left, all that is left is utter anger and frustration. I wish I can crawl in a hole and not come out. Where no one can find me. EVER. I have had the same cell number for 20 years and I had to change it. I am so sick of this. I feel so guilty and hurt and I just want to be left alone. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. I wish things weren’t this way, but they are.My heart aches, only because I am being dragged through the gutter. I just want it to stop. Just STOP.

Anyway, I still haven’t had a drink, and I am really surprised I haven’t drank myself into oblivion as yet.

Stay tuned.

The Young Dominant and the Older Woman


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He flicks his tongue against my lips as he grips my chin. A young man, not my type at all. Who can break me? I ran into another one of his kind earlier. “Kneel” he said. What a joke that was. I will never yield for a man no matter what he asks me to do. .But oh the Literary. This flirtatious period has upped into high gear. I have known him close to a year, and no matter how much I block him and push him away, he always finds me. I don’t think I have ever had a man pursue me quite like him before. A rare breed to say the least.

Our connections are rare. He is in New Zealand, I am in New York. Can you say Long Distance any louder? I mean the time tables alone are a total mind fuck. But once I get a handle on the situation it should be fine. I ran into a man the other day who was born on February 1st the same day as my ex. What are the odds right? Well he basically violated me and put me on this path of utter self-destruction. Part of the mania I deal with is hypersexuality which many people don’t discuss, but I have discussed in detail with my dear bipolar friend. But I will keep that in mind when I visit the many chatrooms I do go into and decide to involve myself in, because you know, predators are just about everywhere.

Back to my young Literary. Never has a man excited me so much. Well a young man of 22 years anyway. It is quite amazing what the use of words can do to a person, and when one is skilled and knows what they are doing, it can be an intense conundrum. I think I have gradually come into my own though. It’s time to leave behind the past and embrace the future. No one knows what the future will hold but this young man has somehow clawed his way back into my life and given it a whole new kinky outlook. I want to create stories again will a skilled writer. And I think The Literary is the man for the job. I missed out on my orgasm with him tonight, but that is alright because there are many more to come. Look ahead there chica, the future is on the horizon, you just have to grab it.

Who knows maybe one day I will get some sleep as well.

Long live insomniacs,

Stay tuned.

Mania and Alcohol Sobriety Hell!


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Mania Hell. Oh my gosh. What the hell? This absolute nonsense of wanting a goddamn drink so friggin’ bad, just screws with your head entirely. Live one day with bipolar and I swear you will need a fuckin’ drink. I am on 30 hours no sleep now, and nothing is stopping me from taking that 4 months of abstaining from alcohol and pissing it all away. I have worked so hard for this moment you know? I have gone to hell and back with the demons in my head. Meds don’t help for shit. It’s my willpower that has gotten me this far.

I am screaming at the top of my lungs going F*CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK! Like wtf for real. What is going on in my head? Absolute friggin’ madness. I am fighting it. Every day is such a battle. A battle with the drink. Look I have a good life right? I have no money in the stupid bank, but I have enough for a few bottles right? Just go get drunk. Just go do it. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. Nothing is stopping me. Nothing no one.

But I won’t. I have my friend with me tonight. The dearest friend to me in the whole world who won’t let that happen. And later I will be talking to my other friend who will help me through the bipolar haze till I finally fall off to sleep. It’s amazing what friends can do for you in your life when you have them. Who needs AA? I failed at it so many times over, and I am doing this all by myself. I know I have my spirituality with me, and my “higher power” has always been my voice. AA works for some people, but I never functioned properly in the “group environment.” I mean when I was in the Day Program I would buy a bottle and go home every night. Sometimes even drink at the center. So what does that tell you. EPIC F*CKIN’ FAIL.

But now you know what alcohol won’t win the war. It won’t beat me. I will conquer it. I will beat this I know I will. I am the strongest I have ever been in my life, and even though the mania hits me the way it does, and I always end up back in the psych ward after ever attempt at sobriety, I will balance it. I will not let this shit be my master. I will make it my bitch. Hold on, the ride gets bumpy from here.

Stay tuned.

You’re As Smooth as Tennessee Whiskey


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“You’re as smooth as Tennessee whiskey. You’re as sweet as strawberry wine .You’re as warm as a glass of brandy. And honey, I stay stoned on your love all the time.”

What a beautiful song. It made me think of my most recent love. Oh, the chills it gives me. I was in the shower, soaping my naked body, remembering, oh, how he loved me. I remember our nights together, the crack in his voice and the tears in my eyes. Whatever happens, I know I loved so deep for a reason. He was in the psych ward. I know I was partly responsible for this. It brings me back to a time when I was in there, thinking about the love of my life, and how he had hurt me so deeply all those years ago.

We love so hard and deep. We think bipolar is a curse, but it truly is a gift. “There’s nothing like your love to get me high.” I can listen to this song over and over again. Oh, how we love. We break barriers and walls of what true love is. Nothing in the universe can compare to how a bipolar person loves. As I prayed tonight for my lost love, I wished him the best and happiness in his life. He told me that he will never find happiness, and  I remember long ago I felt the same way. It’s just a phase, baby, it will pass. I will love you from afar, and even though I cut all communication, you are deep, deep in my heart.

There are things we take for granted in this life. I know I am loved. I will not forget those who have loved me and shared with me their innermost selves. We rarely connect like stars in this universe, because our soul crushing power is like thunder that rock the heavens. In our innermost being, we cannot fathom how deep our love can go. We ache, we cry, we destroy ourselves for that oh, so great love, that comes by but once in a lifetime. But when you taste it, it’s oh so good, that we never want to stop drinking.

So keep on drinking. Drink up all that love. If you have it in your life, cherish it, don’t take it for granted. We are all guaranteed to die alone, but when we connect we get to LIVE. So LIVE I say. Live as hard and as fast as you can, cause baby, enjoy that ride, cause we only get to do it once.

Hope you guys enjoyed the song I shared tonight. It’s hella sexy, and you know, even through all the heartbreak and tears,  I have never in my life felt sexier.

Stay tuned.